Tuesday, December 28, 2010

(un)Conditional, um, Love?

Still Day 2 after the blizzard: home late, long day, and decide I just wanna get in my jammies and order chinese.  So I call the Chinese place up the road, hoping they didn't close early.  They finally answer (either they're really busy or contemplating whether or not to answer) and when i ask for delivery, the response was "maybe [loooong pause] where?...sigh [another looooong pause] okay, fine. what you want?"

well, you gotta love the honesty.

Yeah, Shut Up...Or Better Yet, Get Off!

Day 2 After Blizzard: Buses are running, albeit verrrrry slowly.  In fact, I missed 2 ferries whilst waiting...but anticipated this (kinda), so I wasn't too fussed.  Finally get on a very packed bus and 2 stops later a young woman got on the bus and starts berating the bus driver about how she's been waiting for nearly 30 minutes.  What's up with that?

She was quite shocked and gobsmacked when the driver, rather than apologizing, said "Only 30 minutes?  You should be thankful because there are people on the bus that had to wait for an hour and thirty minutes!  I'm sure they don't wanna hear you complain about only having to wait 30 minutes!"

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Like LAX With A Twist...

Anyone spending a considerable amount of time in LAX will hear overhead announcements that more-or-less (what?  it's been awhile since i've been there, since I try to avoid LAX like the plague...) sound like:

"Attention travelers, the Los Angeles International Airport does not authorize nor support anyone who asks you for money.  You are not obligated to give donations to anyone asking for money."

Meanwhile, here in New York City, I overheard in Penn Station:

"Attention MTA customers, panhandling on trains and platforms is illegal.  Do not support illegal activities.  If you wish to help out the less fortunate, the best way to do so is to give donations to local charities that support them.  Thank you."

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Geez, That's Helpful.

Last night on the bus home (which normally takes about 6 or 7 minutes for those of you who've never visited me), the bus, which normally pulls out of the ferry terminal and turns left, made a right turn.

Okay, so any minute the driver is going to make an announcement.

Annnny minute now...

Annnnnnny minute...

Finally, a passenger asked the bus driver where we were going, to which she replied "well, duh, we're taking a detour."


Saturday, September 25, 2010

I'm Waiting...Waiting...Waiting...

so I'm taking a food handlers course, as required by work and it's online, which is great; however, each module has a predetermined study time limit, so usually I read through every module twice, click on the "take the test button" and am told I have not spent enough time reading the materials.  I then have to wait until it thinks I'm ready to take the test.  NEWS FLASH: i'm not doing any additional studying here.  I'm updating twitter, FB, and watching the football game.

Anyway, I'm currently waiting to take the test for a module named "Personal Hygiene," which I think is fairly straight-forward and with a bit of common sense anyone could probably pass this quiz without reading any of the module...alas, I wait.

While waiting, the last page usually recaps the module and in this case, I feel that it's my public service announcement to issue the following:

At the beginning of each workday, ask yourself the following seven questions:
Did I shower or take a bath before coming to work?
Am I sick with a fever, cold or diarrhea?
Do I have any infected cuts or burns?
Are my nails clean, trimmed and free from nail polish?
Are my apron and clothing clean?
Did I remove my jewelry?
Am I wearing my hat, cap or hairnet?

yep.  not rocket science, and i trust you can use deductive reasoning how to fix each question (ie. take a shower, clip your nails, don't go to work if you have a fever, cold, or diarrhea).  Meanwhile, I have to wait at least 20 more minutes to take the quiz.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Sure As Hell Hope That's Not Earwax...

As I'm headed up the escalator at work, I observe two ladies riding down.  One thrusts a q-tip at the other and says "hey, smells this!  I think it smells fabulous!"

Scarily enough, the second woman agreed...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Are There Restaurants or Do They Just Eat In?

I think she was trying to compare omnivores & vegetarians--in fact, I know she was...which makes the following statement--in my opinion--even funnier:

There are just as many cannibals here as omnivores.

Wait?  WHAT?!?!?!?

I'm still chuckling...

That's What You Get When You Buy a GPS Out of a Van on Canal St.

this is an actual phone conversation:

Where are you now?
Whaddya mean Pennsylvania?
You said you were going to Atlantic City.
Aaaand, that's in the middle of Jersey.  Why are you driving back to New York from New Jersey via Pennsylvania?
I don't care.  Just tell me what time you think you might actually arrive.


Friday, September 10, 2010

Unwilling to Comprise Sound Quality for Fashion..

Saw a guy with a great mohawk that stood at least 6-8 inches high...EXCEPT...for an inch in the back.  It was flattened down so that his headphone (think vintage 70s, but with all the bells & whistles of modern day technology) band could snugly fit around his head...

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


a subway ad I saw the other day:

Still A Virgin?
Call For Help

Monday, August 23, 2010

No Thanks...I'll Pass...

So there's a deli down the street that I pass at least twice a day on the bus.  The other day traffic was backed up and the bus was stopped in front of the deli long enough for me to read the sign offered CULD CUTS & SANDWICHES.




no thanks?

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Um, I Second That Motion...

Overheard on the phone:

"I know it's her party, but don't care what she wants!  We are NOT, lemme repeat NOT, having a baby shower at Golden Corral."

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Problem with Graffiti: No Spell Check.

As seen in the subway (and you can't make this stuff up):

"MTA sucks  /  bunchov crocked theives!"

so many comments.  so little time...and then right next to it:

"black bitchs love white dick"

the best part of this is that someone else felt the need to set the record straight:

"um, no they don't"

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


or as Brie likes to call it: her favorite week of the year.

'nough said.


Friday, May 28, 2010

I'm Just Sayin'

The subway doors aren't going to open any faster if you kick them.  I only mention this because I saw it three--THAT'S RIGHT! THREE--times today!


Thursday, April 29, 2010

OMG, Are You Kidding Me?

So I met the biggest ass this morning on my train ride.

I realize that you may be thinking "yeah, aren't all New Yorkers?" but no, most aren't asses...perhaps a bit oblivious or zoning off into their own i-pod entranced world and often confrontational, but usually not just an ass for ass's sake (unless sports are involved, then all bets are off)....I mean, even my puke guy apologized profusely and seemed mortified by his behavior.

But I digress...on the way to work this morning, I get on the train and it's pretty full and seats are limited, but it's 6:30am and I don't really feel like standing.  I look over and see a guy sitting with his feet up on the seats, taking up 3 seats.  OH HELL NO!  So I walk over and say, "excuse me I'd like to sit" (yes, I am capable of manners, contrary to most people's beliefs, even at that ungodly hour), so he draws his legs towards him and "opens" one seat for me.

Except that really he's a bit big (and i'm not talking old here) to be sitting like that...so his legs keep trying to slide out, except that my leg is blocking any progress.  This is how we rode and the ONLY thing giving me me reprieve was the fact that he was obviously so uncomfortable...i, of course, pretended to ignore his existence, until I reached my stop, got up, shook my head, wiped his footprints off my coat, and loudly exclaimed "fucking ridiculous," and walked off the train--looking back, only once, still shaking my head to find him staring at me.

I wonder if he was able to straighten out his legs properly???  Without a bit of contriteness, I would like to say "I hope not."

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Yeah, Riiiight....

So I'm walking the pupcicle; we're minding our own business, happily strolling along when we pass three slightly inebriated, scantily clad people who are ogling at the size of the pupcicle (okay, she is quite large, especially in New Yorker terms)...and one of them comments:

"Shheee-it! That dog bite me, I don't care how big he is, I gonna bite his ass back"

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

stupid beyotch.

in case you're wondering, NO, i did not let Addy bite her to see what she would actually do. what? you know I don't allow Addy to eat crap off the street (yeah, i said it)...

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Ultimate in Recharging...

Overheard in the cafe:

Excuse me sir, do you mind if I plug myself in?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Well That's Certainly Good Information To Have...

Overheard in the library today:

med student #1 (yes, i know he was a med student, as he was loudly discussing having to schedule his boards for this summer with med student #2, who just got finished scheduling hers...OI! PEOPLE! this is a LIBRARY, i'd rather not listen to your conversation, thankyouverymuch....but if you're going to be accommodating and make it entertaining, then i'm going to blog about it...)

And since I'm interrupting anyway, Butler--for those of you not familiar with Columbia University--is the main library at the downtown campus (or as Momma calls it "the pretty campus, why can't you take classes here??")

ahem, where was I? oh yeah...

Med student #1: Eeeuww, I can't go study in Butler, those people stink in there.

Med student #2: ha ha ha...what? stink? like they don't bathe?

Med student #1: Nooo, well, maybe, but it's hot and smelly and they're all sweaty. It's too hard to concentrate, I'd rather just stay here, it's not as close to home, but smells A LOT better.

um. thanks, i think...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Wait, what?

Outside of work today there was a woman asking for "a drink, anyone, I just need a drink. A beer? A shot? I know it's wrong, but it's cold and I want a drink, anything, please..."

Walking past is a man, who gives her the rest of his bottle and said "here, you look like you need this more than me."

The woman pulls out the bottle, looks at it, hands it back and says "no thanks, I don't drink vodka."

Monday, February 22, 2010

If You Don't Like Being Accidentally Bumped, Then Perhaps The New York City Public Transportation System Isn't For You.

I'm on the subway this evening--and it's about 7pm, so still within the confines of "rush hour"--on a fairly crowded subway. There is a lady who, along with her backpack, is taking up at least 2, but more like 3, seats and had her arm on the armrest with her elbow hanging completely off the other side.

Standing on the fairly crowded subway is a young teenage girl, who is holding on, but looses her balance just enough to bump into the aforementioned lady's elbow around every time the train starts or stops. After a couple of stops the lady sitting down taking up 2-3 seats on the fairly crowded subway with her elbow sticking out, yells at the girl standing up "is it necessary for you to bump into me?"

really, lady? as I'm standing with 3 bags of groceries, i'd happily trade places with you and the girl can bump into me as much as she wants...oh wait! perhaps after the first stop, I'd MOVE MY ELBOW...